FAA Finally Takes it’s Head Out of its Ass

 

The FAA says you can dick around on your electronic devices whenever you want on the plane. As if this weren’t the case already. Seriously, if electronic devices being on posed a serious risk to flight safety we would have known by now. You know how often I “Turn off all electronic devices as the plane prepares for takeoff”. Zero times. You know how often anyone else shuts their phones off? Zero times. This has to be the most outdated rule to date that actually effects people. There are always those weirdo laws that never get taken out of effect but this one actually impacted millions of people on a daily basis. 

I’m not sure anyone would fly in an airplane if they honestly thought a cell phone being on could cause problems. “Bye honey! I’m off to California on business! Hopefully no one leaves their cellphone/tablet/gameboy/iPod on otherwise its game over!” The technology is sophisticated in an airplane I feel like it takes more than an iPod to interfere with traffic control towers. Huge towers whose only purpose is to communicate with and monitor planes. Probably have a little bit more power than an iPod. Just a little. 

“The announcement marks a change in 50-year-old policy restricting the use of electronics aboard aircraft.” 50 year old policy, huh? Just did some googling. The first received mobile call was 40 years ago. So what the fuck did this law apply to? HAM radios and lava lamps?

“Ladies and gentlemen. Please shut off your HAM radios. No hard drugs until we are safely cruising at 10,000 feet. Keep your lava lamps in the overhead compartments until we have safely landed. Have a groovy day” 

How did we even have a law pertaining to cellphones, when they weren’t even invented when the law was passed? Didn’t want to revise it? No probably should just let it sit for 50 years and see what happens. Alec Baldwin is probably fuming all over again, now that he knows they made him shut off his Words with Friends due to an outdated law. 

Thoughts on this Era of Boston Sports Dominance

When the Patriots won their first Super Bowl I was 9 and a half. When the Red Sox won their first World Series I was 13. I remember my Dad telling me how lucky I was and how it’s not always like this, with the parades and the winning and what not. I also remember thinking he was full of shit. I mean I was 13. Don’t you know all 13 year olds know everything this is to know about anything? Now, even though he was wrong and the winning has continued with no sign of stopping, I have grown to appreciate what winning a Championship actually means and how hard it is.

I think what gave me the most perspective, was the Patriots after our last Super Bowl victory. We have had some really good teams since then (*cough* 2007) and we’ve been to the Super Bowl twice, but we haven’t come away with the Lombardi. Then the Celtics made it to the Finals and got beaten by the damn Lakers. Finally, an injury riddled Bruins team lost the Cup to the Blackhawks, though it seemed almost luck that we’d made it that far. It just gives you the perspective that you can have the best team out there and things still have to fall into place. You still have to have a bit of luck to win it all. It gives winning a Championship, more of the feeling that the fans really have an impact on the game. That heart and momentum and all the intangibles that people are skeptical of, really make a difference. That there is a thing as being clutch and its definition is in fact Big Papi. 

I think growing up in this time, the biggest thing I got from the fans and teams and the players is that winning is more important than anything else. You look at all the teams from Boston in the past decade that have won Championships and there isn’t one diva. There’s not one guy on those teams that cares more about himself than he does his teammates or winning. Brady. Belichick. Garnett. Pierce. Chara. Lucic. Tito. Papi. All the teams that won did it as a team. You always got the feeling that they weren’t just dudes paid to play a sport but that they genuinely liked Boston and the people they played with. I think The Collapse in 2011 and the subsequent season with Bobby Valentine gave us a glimpse of what it’s like in other cities. Sometimes a bunch of douches just show up for the money and assume they’ll win.

We’ve got something special going on in Boston and I’m hoping it never ends. But even if it does at least I’ll be able to tell my kids about the Golden Age of Boston sports. Way better than my Dad telling me about the Dark ages.

 

 

First Person Account of Jermichael Finley’s Neck Injury is Terrifying

 

http://mmqb.si.com/2013/10/29/jermichael-finley-packers-injury-first-person/

Absolutely terrifying.

“I looked my teammate Andrew Quarless directly in the eye and whispered, “Help me, Q. I can’t move; I can’t breathe.”

Great piece from start to finish. A great look into what happens to athletes when they get injured. It’s especially interesting to read about how teams and agents handle the injuries. Hopefully Finley gets back on the field this season. He’s a heck of a tight end and he’s been unlucky to have a number of injuries in his short career. 

The Dark Side of Sriracha: Smelly Factories

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-24737588

We all thought sriracha was just hot sauce and great taste. Basically add it to anything and its 50% better. Apparently its burning eyes and irritated throats and forcing people indoors. To be quite honest though I’m confused by the situation here. Something doesn’t smell right (see what I did there). I understand that maybe the workers are used to it or something so they don’t give a shit but how has the factory not been given a citation?

They process all of the chilis for the year between September and December. We’re on the cusp of November here. We’re in the thick of chili processing season people and no citation? If the smell was bad enough that people were getting headaches I’m pretty sure the health inspector would have had something to say about. This leads me to two possible explanations.

1) The city of Irwindale’s health inspector is in the pocket of the Srircha makers. They’re paying him off in probably hard cash and fresh ass sriracha. He doesn’t give them a citation and the green and red keeps flowing. He’s only got to keep out of their business until December anyway. 

2) The people of Irwindale are whinny bitches, per usual, and have blown this way out of proportion. The owner bought filters people. Your children’s itchy throats are probably due to the fact that we’re moving into flu and cold season, not now that the new Sriracha factory opened up. That one really bad day was like 3 weeks ago and it was before he put in the filters, move on with your boring suburban lives. 

If this were the America of Old, I’d say theory 1 was dead on. But now that we’ve raised a ton of whiners I’m leaning toward 2. 

School Wants to Ban I <3 Boobies Bracelets. Taking it to the Supreme Court

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/10/29/boobies-bracelet-supreme-court/3310843/

In an effort to make school administrators the most disliked profession since terrorists, Pennsylvania school administrators demand they be allowed to ban “I ❤ boobies” bracelets. “Superintendent John Reinhart tells The Express-Times of Easton the ruling compromised administrators’ ability to determine what is and is not appropriate in school.”

I think there is a bigger problem with your school if colorful bracelets with a three word phrase are so disruptive that they need to be banned. It’s just absolutely shocking to me how inept people are. How could you possibly prove that these bracelets actually need to be banned. Unless they have video footage of a male student reading the bracelet and uncontrollably jerking off there is no chance they win this case.

I don’t want my tax payer money going to this either. The supreme court has real issues to deal with like racism, gay marriage etc. A fucking ban on breast cancer awareness bracelets? If I’m a supreme court justice, I urinate on the appeal and throw it in the face of this superintendent. You’ve gotta set a precedent somewhere as to how bogus an appeal can be.

This goes beyond these bracelets to school administrators in general. If the clothing doesn’t have a profanity on it, then shut the fuck up about it. Are they going to ban South Carolina college apparel because they are the Gamecocks? GO COCKS!!! That’s ok but I ❤ boobies bracelets are too disruptive. I have friends who went to South Carolina and every time they post GO COCKS! I laugh. I don’t care. That’s the pinnacle of humor. Point being, if a kid is wearing a shirt or a hat like that in class I’m not so fucking distracted that I literally can’t function. I just chuckle and get on with my day.

Maybe the teachers should take some damn responsibility. Nut up and send a kid out of the classroom if there’s an issue. If someone can’t handle I ❤ boobies bracelets I’m sure they can’t handle bright colors or fart noises either. Grow a pair people. I’m not giving up my boobies bracelets because you can’t help yourself.

Man Surfs 100 Foot Wave. Doesn’t Shit His Pants.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2478575/Brazilian-surfer-set-new-World-Record-riding-100-foot-storm-wave-coast-Portugal.html

I was just talking to someone about how I would never do this in a million years. Huge, storm waves combine my biggest fears heights and dark waters. Yeah I don’t like dark water, whatever. Can’t see what the fuck is going on. For all I know a shark is barreling down on my ass and I can’t see it. Not my thing. Combine that with a 100 foot wave and you have my worst fear. I would poop so fast. I think even if it was a virtual hundred foot wave I still might poop.

This dude doesn’t give two shits that his partner almost died either: “Maya almost died. For me, it was a big adrenaline moment to get back out there after what happened”. Great for you! Glad the near death of your friend was the adrenaline rush you needed to go out there and catch the 100ft wave. Generally, when my friends need to be resuscitated due to the activity we were both participating in, I try to stop doing that activity as quickly as possible. Some people are just way cooler than me I guess. Didn’t think it was possible.

P.S. Who picked the music for that video of him riding a monster wave? Just some mellow smooth jazz saxophone to go along with your giant wave. Only thing worse would have been polka music.

West Texas Attorney Found Guilty of Conspiring to Launder $600 Million for Mexican Drug Cartel

 

How is this story not a TLC special already? It has everything. $600 million dollars, Mexican drug cartels, sex with the divorcee of the Mexican president. It’s like real life Breaking Bad without the meth and chemistry. 

When you’re a powerful drug cartel though why do you bother laundering the money? Everyone knows who you are. Its not some big secret. Literally everyone knows you because you supply entire countries with illegal drugs and kill people regularly. So why launder it? What is the Mexican government gonna do? Apparently the presidents wife was down to help launder it. Pretty sure you could just buy the entire Mexican police force with $600 million. “You work for me now” type of situation. Don’t use some idiot attorney to try and launder it. Just spend straight cash homey.

Hunting Club Auctions off Permit to Kill Black Rhino in Effort to Save the Black Rhino

 

http://abcnews.go.com/US/hunting-club-auctioning-off-permit-hunt-endangered-rhino/story?id=20697931

Oh Texas. I can’t get enough of your pseudo-logic and pseudoscience: “There is a biological reason for this hunt, and it’s based on a fundamental premise of modern wildlife management: populations matter; individuals don’t. By removing counterproductive individuals from a herd, rhino populations can actually grow.” 

Yes. Because when a species goes extinct it just means the population is dead. The individuals are still alive and well. Just fucking beautiful logic. There are around 5,000 black rhinos still left aka, there are 5,000 individuals which comprise the remaining population of black rhinos. Dumbass.

I could totally get behind this guy/club if they were just going to call it what it is. A bunch of rich, presumably white, dudes want to kill a rhino. Only way to do that is to donate a shit load of money to the conservation effort. Just say that you douche. You are good at having money and making money. You’re not good at science. Say, “You know we’ve always wanted to kill a rhino but there aren’t many left. So were going to donate a lot of money to the rhino conservation effort in exchange for hunting 1 rhino. Hopefully this will lead to more rhinos and more rhino hunting. YEEEHAW!” Who ever their PR rep is should be fired and they should hire me. I only charge 1.5x as much as their current guy but I’m 2x better at least. 

 

Fox News Concerned About the Face of the Girl on ObamaCare Website….Classic Fox

 

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/10/28/plot-thickens-mystery-obamacare-covergirl-goes-awol/

Somedays you see something and it just makes you stop and think, “Is this real? Like this must be a joke. Tell me this is from the Onion or something.” Then when its not the sadness sets in. Just the brutal crushing reality that people produce this shit and people read this shit. Heart wrenching. Gut wrenching. Any other wrenching you can think of really.

How in the world is this a fucking news story?! Like I understand a conservative news station wants to pick at the lackluster ObamaCare website. I get it. But at least have a cutting article about how bad it sucks. Maybe get some redneck confessionals about how bad the website is despite the fact that they’ve never used it, have no intention of using it and don’t even have healthcare to begin with. 

“Sir, how bad is the ObamaCare website?”

“I tell you what, that website is the debil! I ain’t never seen such a bad website! Must been coded by them damn Mexicans! Takin’ our jobs!”

“So were you able to get health insurance like Obama promised?”

“Health insurance? Hoooo-weeee! Boy I ain’t never had no health insurance! That there is tha debil! Government puts mind control pills in with your medicine so they can make you vote liberal! I use the barter system. “

“I see. Well there you have it folks, the ObamaCare website is still in shambles.”

This fake interview I just wrote has more journalistic integrity to it than this load of shit. WHO THE FUCK CARES!? WHO THE FUCK EVEN READS THIS!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? I feel like I’m in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Am I the insane one? Maybe I really do belong in an institution? I’m spinning out of control here people. What the fuck does a human face on a website have to do with health insurance???? Some one tell me before my brain kills itself. 

“Plot Thickens:” What fucking plot?! It was a face. On a website. They took it down. Probably because no one talked about what could make the health insurance more accessible and simply wondered who the fuck she was. 

“Millions stymied by face on health insurance website. Most people attempted to get health insurance but were deterred by the warm and inviting face on the homepage of the website”

Fuck you Fox News. Right in your damn face.

Patriots are Just Getting Started. Scary Huh?

 

Remember what I said last week? Of course you don’t cause you’re an asshole and you didn’t read it. Unless you did and then you won’t need to click on that hyper link. Just keep on keep on-ing. 

The Patriots really tried their hardest to suck ass in the first half. Brady with an immediate pick right after a beautiful 3 and out caused by our defense. Things didn’t any better from there. The ineptitude of our offense in the first half was just mind boggling. Despite being down our best DT, MLB and CB we still only gave up 17 points to a decent Dolphins offense. Then we just decided we were gonna play football instead of mincing around like a bunch of wildlife in Bambi. 

Biggest difference I saw between the offense first and second half was Brady actually throwing the ball to the rookies. First half I didn’t even hear KT or Dobson’s name. Second half Brady started trusting people and throwing to the open man. I think he has to stop being so ornery and crotchety and just throw the damn ball to people. Who cares if it’s some no-name. He’s open right? If he drops it, its his fault. But Brady has to get more comfortable throwing to The Open Man like the Golden Days when Deion Branch and Reche Caldwell were our big name receivers. 

The other thing I want to point out is that like I said last week, we’re going to win the division and it appears we will do so quite handily. The Jets got shit pushed in so hard their gonna have poop taste in their mouths for weeks. Karma bitches. Tattle on us for pushing butts. Then just get your butt reamed the fuck out. Seems fair. The Bills got a whoopin’  as well, leaving the Pats with 2 game lead in first place. 

The best part about this is the fact that this first half of the season was just a damn warm up. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! That’s what Bill is shouting on the inside. We are 6-2. Gronk just played his 2nd full game, still wearing that stupid Darth Vaderesque arm brace. Shane Vereen is going to come back week 11 and give us some serious versatility in the backfield. Ridley may have found a cure for fumble-itis and is looking great. Aqib Talib is resting up for the post-season, no need to rush him back. Tommy Kelly also resting. Any other team would be a hot 4-4 at best but the Pats rookies have stepped up in all phases of the game and shown their mettle. I said it at the beginning of the year and I’ll say it again. Pats go 14-2. Win the Super Bowl.