Kids Putting Burt’s Bees on Their Eyelids to Get High or Something


I wonder what people did on slow news days, before 24/7 news. They probably didn’t run anything because shit like this is fucking dumb and a waste of time. Can you imagine getting paid to write about how kids are amplifying their highs by putting Burt’s on their eyelids? I wish someone would pay me to write this stuff. 

Anywho, I find the tone and stance of this article to be pretty ridiculous. Acting like this is fucking huffing Febreze or drinking a shitload of Nyquil. It’s fucking nuts. Its frigging chapstick. I would kill to have my kids just Beezin’ instead of doing heroin or something like that. “In some cases, rubbing the lip balm onto eyelids can cause swelling and symptoms similar to pink eye, Dr. Brett Cauthen, a family physician at Today Clinic in Oklahoma City” OHHHHH NOOOOO eye swelling and pink eye!?!?!? Won’t somebody think of the children?!! Pink eye is a cake walk compared to death or rehab. 

“Our big message is natural does not equate with safety,” Cauthen told Fox-25.” Ummm. Kids aren’t doing this because they think its safe. They’re doing it because they want to. Also it is safe. Its peppermint chapstick. I can’t believe this is something being talked about. It is safe. It’s literally the safest thing you can do that is somehow related to getting high. 

Cauthen said parents should monitor how their teens are using the balm.” Yes parents. You better start rolling your kids rooms to find their hidden Burt’s Bees. Make sure you check their eyelids for peppermint. Definitely tell your kids about the harsh dangers of Beezin’. No child is safe if they have their hands on Burt’s Bees. Spread the word. 


Oklahoma Botches Execution. People are Mad a Baby Rapist Suffered.


First off, I’d like to say I’m kind of an expert in the death penalty. In high school, I submitted a bill to model congress to mandate that states who still have the death penalty, use the guillotine as the form of execution, citing costs and humaneness as reasons for the change. It passed, not only in the small group, but also by a full congress constituting students from around New England.

That being said, if a state still uses the death penalty, it should be death by guillotine. If you don’t have the stones to cut someones head off with a large, falling blade, you shouldn’t be killing people in the first place. Spare me this talk about how they don’t feel anything and its painless yada yada yada. The dude who was executed was convicted of kidnapping, raping and murdering an 11-month old baby. If he was actually guilty, I’m glad he suffered because he’s one fucked up individual. If he was innocent it doesn’t really matter too much how he was killed, simply that an innocent man was killed.

The guillotine doesn’t miss, it doesn’t make veins explode, it doesn’t hurt, it just gets the job done. Given that other countries won’t sell us the drugs we use to perform the death penalty its time we move back to the guillotine. Come on people, its the 21st century. Get with the program.