The Pro Bowl, Also Known as the “Nobody Gives a Shit Bowl”

Pro Boring

The Pro Bowl is still boring as shit. They made some changes. I thought they would help. They didn’t help. No one cares about the Pro Bowl. Personally, I think the reason no one gives a shit is because the Pro Bowl isn’t real football. We watch football for the excitement, the competition, the grit and most importantly the ridiculous catches and the bone crushing hits. You know what you’re not going to have in the Pro Bowl? The bone crushing hits. Or anyone really trying for that matter.

I think the way to fix this is to embrace the fact that this isn’t real football and to just show the players a people hanging out having a good time. They already tried this somewhat with the pre Pro Bowl coverage but shot themselves in the foot by moving it to Arizona because no one gives a shit about watching people hang out in AZ. You wanna show me Cameron Wake looking like an idiot trying to paddle board about in Hawaii I’ll watch that 8 of 10 times. You show me an NFL player doing literally anything in Arizona and I won’t watch it, so don’t play the fucking Pro Bowl in AZ.

Here’s what you do. No pads. No tackle. 11 v 11 Flag football. Full contact at the line. Full bump and run coverage. Everything else in play. First thing this does is make it interesting to watch all these premiere athletes taken slightly out of their comfort zone having to pull flags instead of tackle. Second thing it does is prevent dumb ass injuries. If you’re a Texans fan watching the Pro Bowl and you see JJ Watt lose his ACL after getting tackled on a little redzone out route you would probably poop your pants on the spot because there goes the most dominant defensive player in the NFL. No one wants to see that. The players certainly don’t want to see that, as they play the entire game at roughly half speed.

The only interesting part is the offense and the passing game, which the NFL has already tried to make the centerpiece of the Pro Bowl. So you make it full 11 v 11 flag football and I guarantee the game would be more interesting. Players would juke and spin more, not having to fear for their legs. Big plays would definitely happen frequently with missed flag pulls. It would be a much more interesting game to watch. Final thing you do is make it so that the entire winning team gets something fun like everyone gets an iMac or a weekend in Vegas or something.

There you have it. Pro-Bowl fixed.

P.S. Pretty proud of my photoshopping skills here. I don’t want to brag but I think I can finally start cooking up fake pictures to make up scandals and what not. There’s bound to money in that right?


The Quest for the 4th Lombardi Trophy Continues

4 lombardis

Amidst all the balls, the air pressure, the Gates and the bullshit, Brady and Belichick soldier on in the quest for the elusive 4th Lombardi trophy. This blog is mainly here to address the upcoming big game so I’m only going to talk about ball pressure this one paragraph. If you think the Patriots cheated you’re a moron. If you think anything about this “scandal” other than that it is a nothing blown out of epic proportion you’re a moron. If you think anyone interviewed who is on the Patriots is lying you are a moron. I have kept my mouth shut through this whole thing because it was evident to me that no wrong doing occurred and I hoped if I didn’t talk about it the world would follow suit. I would like to finish by saying that any of you naysayers clearly aren’t fans of a team with 6 Super Bowl appearances in 10 years so kindly shut your pig mouths and sit in silence as the Patriots actually try to win something, you fucks.

This Pats v Colts mic’d up is amazing. Brady telling Kraft he loves him, the Pats line coach, Dave DeGuglielmo (I looked that up) getting fired up about Solder scoring that TD. Easily the best part, however, is when some fuckwit on the Colts goes , “They couldn’t beat us physically. They beat us mentally.” Ummmmmmm. Did you just show up to Gillette bro? You got your faces stomped. Legarette Blount had his way with you and he didn’t even buy you a nice steak dinner.

I’m so pumped for this Super Bowl. People can say how this is boring because both teams have been to the Super Bowl so many times etc etc. To them I say again, shut your pig mouth, people are trying to win things here. So many great story lines that have been overshadowed. Pete Carroll against his old team. The 4th Lombardi and what it would mean for football history. Brandon Browner against his old team. As a Pats fan, I feel like the Seahawks are almost the perfect anti-Patriot team. The Emperor to our Luke. Loud-mouthed, trash talking and run-heavy the ‘Hawks stand for everything we don’t.

If the Patriots offense can execute, this game is a blowout. The ‘Hawks have a bigger secondary and have had trouble covering shorter, quicker receivers. Amendola and Jules are going to have a field day mark my words. Gronk is uncoverable, especially in the redzone. It boils down to pass protection on offense and run-stopping on defense. Given the lackluster talent in the ‘Hawks receiving core, I assume Belichick is going to stack the box and plan man across the board. The Packers gave the Patriots a lot of trouble because its hard to cover such great skill players and contain a mobile Rodgers. The Seahawks don’t have that same kind of talent and I think Russell Wilson is going to be sacked at least 3 times. Revis will cover Doug Baldwin and Arrington will cover Jermaine Kearse. Browner will probably matchup with the TE Luke Willson. The rest of their receivers are trash. The Seahawks are fairly one dimensional and Bill Belichick is too good of a schemer to let Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson run all over us.

Super Bowl XLIX Score:

Patriots Win 28-14.

Pats v Colts Overview. Someone Call PETA.

Dog food

With yet another AFCCG between the Colts and Patriots fast approaching, it is time to dissect the manner in which the Colts will be, once again, turned into high grade dog food. I’ve been on a blogging hiatus, what with having an adult job and what not but I can’t resist a good storyline like this. One where my favorite football team obliterates a once great, longtime rival.

Let’s get right into it. First after a great warm-up game against the Ravens, the Pats O-line is going to be phenomenal this Sunday. Pass protection, run blocking, you name it and the Pats O-line is going to be firing on all pistons. It has everything to do with them playing against one of the premiere front 7s in the NFL last week. Ngata, Suggs, Upshaw. They might not be in their prime anymore but its still an impressive feat that the Patriots front five only let up 2 sacks. Now they are up against hobbits in comparison. The Pats offense is going to put up roughly a million points. Roughly.

In all honesty though, I’m far more excited to watch the Pats defense. Aside from T.Y. Hilton and Andrew Luck the Colts offense is horseshit. Perhaps my favorite “hype headline” this week was along the lines of. “Is Hakeem Nicks the Colts weapon X?”. As a Patriots fan I haven’t forgotten the tragic Super Bowl where Hakeem Nicks loaded his cleats with flubber and stomped on my heart. This is not the same Hakeem Nicks. When you are in the same conversation as Griff Whalen and Donte Moncrief, I have a hot 0% respect for you.

Finally, the last time the Pats played the Colts Chandler Jones was not present. He is an animal. The pass rush against the Ravens may have been non existent but Jones’ athleticism will certainly help contain a wily Luck. I’d also like to point out that the Colts had a whopping 19 yards rushing last time these teams faced off. Daniel Herron is not going to be the man to change that.

Two things I want to address. One is an absurd headline I keep hearing: Is Andrew Luck overrated? The answer is absofuckinglutely not. Look at his team. Look at it. Donte Moncrief, Hakeem “I’m all washed up” Nicks, Daniel Herron. Aside from Fleener and Hilton, Andrew Luck has nothing. He doesn’t even have Belichick. He has Chuck Pagano, who, to me, seems like he kind of bumbles his way into victories. “Oh Andrew scored a TD. Well would you look at that, we actually won another game. Astounding.” So no. Andrew Luck is exactly as advertised. He puts the team on his back and carries them all the way to victory day in and day out. Without Luck that team is still 2-14.

Secondly, a lot of people are sucking the Colts off because they beat the Broncos. Let’s be quite clear here. They did not beat the Broncos. Peyton Manning and John Fox’s sheer ineptitude beat the Broncos. CJ Anderson was averaging well over 4 yards a carry and should have just been forced fed the ball most of the game. Peyton Manning had a TORN quad. Torn. Not strained. It doesn’t take a genius to play bump and run against the Broncos and force an injured Manning to try and throw into tight spaces (or in Emmanuel Sanders case, wide fucking open spaces).

Pats win 38-14. Count on it.