Biggest Problem with the NFL: Public Funding of Stadiums


My main qualm with the NFL is publicly funded stadiums. I’m not quite sure why any city does this shit. Gillette stadium, for all you Patriots haters out there, was 100% privately funded because we’re from New England and we don’t take no guff. The NFL makes something like 10 billion in revenue a year. It’s a pretty lucrative business in case you didn’t know. So I don’t know where owners get off asking cities and states to pay for their multimillion dollar stadium. Its non-sensical. You know how many times I’ve been to a Patriots game? 0. If the sales tax had gone up to support the stadium I’d be pissed. Can’t just go around having the public paying for your profitable shit, like an investment, then not see a return. Spare me the team stays in the city or whatever. I can watch the Pats from my TV just fine. If a team went and left because they public wouldn’t fund their stadium you bet your ass I’d start rooting for someone else. That’s some bullllllllshit. 


Calling Obesity a Disease Makes People Feel Better About Their Bodies and Less Likely to Lose Weight


I had a whole blog written about obesity in America. How people like to throw out buzzwords like fat-shaming, how people complain its not their fault because they have a glandular/thyroid/big-boned problem, and how none of this, not the sociology classes people take, not the excuses (real or otherwise) for being overweight, nor the lack of social stigma around weight and body size have resulted in America getting any less fat. Adult obesity rates are at an all time high. Childhood obesity rates are at an all time high.

I was gonna tip-toe around so fat people didn’t think I was making fun of them and socially aware people didn’t try and burn my house down. Then I realized something. I don’t give a shit. I just fucking don’t. You wanna be obese or overweight that’s your choice. Who am I to say you should do otherwise? On the other hand, don’t tell me fat is attractive or that only “real women” have curves and any thin person simply “cares what people think too much” or “has an eating disorder”. There’s two ends to this spectrum and everyone just needs to shut up. I make my decisions, you make yours. I probably won’t split the bill with you either, considering we both know you like to indulge a little bit more than I do. Just saying. Don’t get mad about it.

I’m fucking sick of all the buzz around obesity and people being overweight. You can’t sell king size candy bars. You can’t sell jumbo sized sodas. The government has to create programs to fucking force people to use their bodies for something other than watching TV and shoveling food in their faceholes. Its such a damn waste. Childhood obesity programs are the only ones I give two shits about and its simply because they’re not adults and should lead healthy lifestyles until they can choose otherwise. Same reason kids can’t buy cigarettes or booze. The rest of it, though? Fuck it. Unless you’re an insurance company you literally shouldn’t care at all. If you’re an insurance company you better hope people start losing weight and fast.

With 70% of America overweight or obese, its clear Americans don’t care either. Spare me the poor kids this or the poverty level that. There were poor people in America before everyone was fat and there are poor people now that everyone is fat. If you tell me there is a person out there who legitimately can only afford to be overweight because of how much they make I call bullshit. There is no economic reason that forces you to be overweight. That’s a choice. Your choice and no one else’s. The choice of being overweight or not is on the individual and I think that’s something we as a nation have forgotten. No one makes that decision for you. I’ve never accidentally eaten a donut. Not yet anyway.

Haters gonna hate. Fatties gonna fat. Skinnies gonna skinny. Everyone just calm down.

P.S. That closing remark made no sense whatsoever, but I stand by it to the fullest.

Peanut Allergies Can be Treated with Exposure Therapy


This study confirms what I’ve thought for a long time now. Kids today are little wussbags. Allergies? Pshhhhhhh. Rub some dirt in it and you’ll be fine. Apple skin makes your throat itchy and your lips swell up a bit? Well unless your 5 year old ass wants to peel the apples yourself, you’re eating the skin and you’ll fucking like it. None of this scratch test nonsense. A whole matrix of allergens so you know which to avoid. You just expose yourself to everything and then it all evens out. Unless you’re one of those poor children with severe allergic reaction. No amount of throat closings will probably fix your allergic reaction. I’m sorry. Just keep that epi-pen close at all times and pray no one likes PBJ in a 5 mile radius of you. 

I’ve long thought exposure therapy might work, but that was just me thinking everyone was just a pussy. No real biological reasoning to it, just wanted to be able to eat my peanuts in peace. Think I might be allergic to cats. Cat comes and sits in my lap and I get hair in my face my nose gets all itchy and shit. My face feels like its covered in hair. Does that mean I’m gonna stop petting or playing with the cat. Hell no. I suck it up. No point in letting mildly irritating things get in the way of what you want to do. That’s what I don’t understand about a lot of allergies. If you like apples just fucking eat them. How much does having a scratchy throat really matter? Going years without apples though, thats a sad thing. 

Ann Coulter Coherently Sums Up the Argument Against Legalizing Marijuana

God I love Anne Coulter. If there was anyone better capable of eloquently voicing arguments against the legalization of marijuana I’d like to know about it. She did a bang up job. Very concise. Hit all the major talking points. A+ debate. Piers Morgan only had to yell at her once for rambling.

Ann starts off strong: “Almost none of my friends have [smoked pot] because they’re athletes” I forgot that no successful athlete ever smoked pot. Not the state championship wrestler from my high school, not the numerous athletes in the NFL. None of them. Certainly not Ricky Williams, one of the best RBs of our time. Nope. Everyone knows you can’t be a good athlete if you smoke pot. FACT.

Quickly follow this with, “Many of my best friends are pot heads” and you know we have a winning debater on our hands. See only her athlete friends don’t smoke pot, but her BEST friends are all pot heads. Totally checks out guys. Definitely not a contradiction.

“Smokers [of cigarettes] work all night and then die young saving the social security system money….We ought to encourage Americans to smoke like mad they’d be incredibly productive then they’d die young and not have long lingering deaths”

You can’t argue with that. Point Coulter. I mean have you heard of lung cancer? Hello! Fastest most non-expensive death ever. Am I right? I mean how long does it take to die of cancer? Faster than a heart attack? Can’t be more than a few seconds. Certainly not years and years of healthcare costs as you slowly waste away with countless surgeries and harsh chemicals.

But perhaps Ann’s pièce de résistance is this quote: “Pot is not good for you. It is very cancerous. People are getting these young kids coming in having heart attacks at very young ages because they’re pot heads.”

I forgot that the 60s and 70s are known for Free Love and hippies as well as a huge spike in heart attacks in the US due to drug use. Also forgot that were now seeing a large majority of those pot smoking hippies coming down with the Big C.

Ann Coulter everybody. Truly an inspiration for us all. A master debater and champion of the anti-marijuana coalition. With her at the helm there’s no way any more states legalize marijuana. None at all.

P.S. Piers Morgan for sure lights one up every now and again. Definitely went home after this awful excuse for a debate and got blasted just to rub Ann’s face in it.

Vial of Pope John Paul II’s Blood Stolen for Satanic Ritual. The End is Nigh


THIS IS IT PEOPLE. THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING IT. TUCK YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD BYE. Looks like the Mayans were only a few years off. Unless some Harvard iconology professor can crack the clues and figure out where this vial is headed we’re as good as dead people. Pope John Paul II is going to be made a saint in April of this year. There’s like three vials of his blood left in existence. You can’t make this stuff up. It’s got end of the world written all over it. 

A few days ago, if you’d said, “Captain Salami what are the odds this world is destroyed by satanists?” I would have told you to fuck your face. No chance. Not one iota of a chance. This changes everything, though. If you actually go through with stealing Pope blood you clearly have a fucking plan. I assume stealing Pope blood isn’t child’s play. Its probably pretty difficult. No one just goes and grabs that on a whim. You have to be fucking committed and possibly albino. So long cruel world. Hopefully, Moses comes to the rescue but I’m not too optimistic. 

PSA: The Phrase “I Can’t” Needs to End Right Now


For the good of everyone’s sanity, I think I have to talk about this. I’ve pretty much had it with this stupid fucking phrase. I can’t even. Coulda just ended the blog right there and you would have been fine with it. “Guess he really just can’t stand that phrase.” It doesn’t mean ANYTHING. It’s absolutely infuriating. USE YOUR GODDMAN WORDS LIKE AN ADULT. Don’t just leave it up to me to guess how fucking distressed you are.

“I just got kicked in the dick. I can’t even” Like what the fuck is that? Did a toddler kick you? Was it a cute kick like “aww I can’t even because he’s so cute thinking he hurt me”? Or was it an NFL grade kick straight to the dick? Is it hanging on by a thread? Is it “I can’t even think right now because my dick is centimeters of skin away from falling off”? I’m so sick of this phrase I might puke. It’s all over the place like anyone actually enjoys it. No one likes this phrase. Its like saying LOL in real life. NO ONE FUCKING SAYS THAT. STOP IT.

I’m starting the crusade against the phrase I Can’t before it destroys America. 100% of people who use the phrase I can’t also text more than they should. As Fox news informed us, texting leads to doing drugs and smoking pot due to an increased need for immediate gratification. As other anti-drug jihadists will tell you, marijuana is a gateway drug and leads user to doing other hard dugs like LSD, cocaine and heroin. The phrase I Can’t or I Can’t Even is the direct root of the drug problem in America. Signs your kid is using the phrase I Can’t include: drug use, using the phrase I Can’t or I Can’t Even, texting, ignoring you, hanging out with their friends, general obnoxiousness. If your child is experiencing any of these symptoms its time to sit them down and hit them real good in the mouth just for good measure and make sure they’re not going to use the phrase I Can’t anymore.


P.S. All of my statistics are made up but sound really legit. Is this what being a Fox reporter is like? I think I should be on their payroll at this point.

USA Clearly to Blame for Some of the Chinese Pollutants


Does China make almost everything we use here in America? Yes. Does that make it our fault that they pollute the fuck out of themselves with factories and what not? No. Whatever happened to taking responsibility for something. Owning up when you’ve fucked yourself. Its like if you pay me to make a thousand paper airplanes and when I get paper cuts I blame you. No its my fault for accepting the job of making paper airplanes or for being careless and not wearing gloves. Same thing here.  You wanna make a shit ton of money selling America Mardi Gras beads and children’s toys? Then you better have some clean ass factories because we’re gonna need an infinite amount of both. Also only 20% of pollutants are coming from export-related production. So lets chill out with this anti-consumerist BS. The other 80% is due to having a billion people living in a country where coal is still the primary heating source. Maybe we focus on that and not the small 20% coming from making me my lead-painted children’s toys.