How to Convict Someone According to the NFL…

goodell role model

Step 1: Accuse someone of doing something. (Evidence not required)

Step 2: When asked about your accusation say, “There was general chatter in (fill in community desired) and we suspected this for awhile due to (insert personal experience).

Step 3: Release a report with the general conclusion being, “Yeah I didn’t find anything but I mean c’mon the guy definitely did it/knew about it/has done it before.

Step 4: Release the hounds.

Did you hear Roger Goodell likes to fuck ice cream sundaes? I know weird right? Apparently he just scoops out some ice cream, flavor doesn’t matter to him so much, puts the bowl in the middle of his bed and goes to pound town on it. Heard he licks everything up when he’s all done too. At least, that’s whats been going around the internet. I saw a picture on reddit, his wife supposedly posted, of him balls deep in a bowl of Breyers. Really ruined ice cream for me for awhile. Did everyone see the report that makes it seem like Goodell at least likes ice cream and probably also fucks it? If that’s not proof that he’s been using his dipstick to make his own blizzards I don’t know what is. “Proud to serve this man” That text could be interpreted a lot of ways. I bet what they meant was “Proud to service this man….sexually…with our ice cream”

Man Goodell’s legacy is gonna be tarnished after this. Not sure they let ice cream fuckers have a job in the NFL.



Breaking Down the Shandys of the Summer

fruit and beer

The shandy is the bastard child of fruit juice and beer. If I’m not mistaken, German cyclists used to mix beer with lemonade as some sort of archaic, pre-gatorade, endurance drink. As summer roles around, you’ll see these cropping up all over the place. I’m here to steer you in the right direction if you’re thinking about purchasing shandys. There’s almost nothing worse than a bad shandy. Its generally like if you added fruit flavoring to a Bud light, aka vomit inducing so be careful when selecting your shandys.

Leinenkugel Summer Shandy is the classic shandy. This is a go to if you like lemonade and beer. They do a nice job of keeping this shandy tasting like beer while giving you that lemonadey goodness that every red blooded American loves.

Note: STAY AWAY FROM THE Leinenkugel Shandy Mixpack. It seemed like a good idea. I thought, “Leinenkugel, they know shandys. I think I’ll check this out. Terrible. Stick to the summer shandy don’t branch out or you’ll be sorry.

Harpoon Big Squeeze the king of the grapefruit shandys. Say what you will about Harpoon, you god forsaken hipsters, but harpoon brews good beer despite it not being a “microbrew”. Real refreshing. Goes down easy and finishes tart. If you like grapefruit, this is the shandy for you.

Sam Adams Porch Rocker is also a lemon shandy and is a bit too lemonade for my tastes. If you like your beer to not taste like beer this is the shandy for you. A lot of lemonade and a little beer. It probably tastes closer to a Mike’s Hard than beer.

Narragansett Shandy is the shandy for the college kid. Cheap. Tall boy cans. Better tasting than any cheap beer out there. This beer should be your go to for a long day of day drinking and lawn games.

There you have it. Shandy’s in a nutshell. I know I didn’t touch on Traveler. They’ve got a number of shandys on the market right now. I didn’t give them any type of review because I obviously haven’t had any Traveler shandys yet. STOP PRESSURING ME! Fine. I’ll drink more beer. If that’s what you really want from me. I hope you’re all happy. I will say this, Traveler makes a mean pumpkin beer that gives Pumpkin head a run for its money so if you want to roll the dice on an unapproved shandy, lacking the Captain Salami seal of approval, Traveler is not a bad bet.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have Big Squeeze that needs drunk.

Debunking the Wells Report Using One Figure

Screen Shot 2015-05-08 at 11.41.34 PM

The picture above shows, as proven by Exponent (the “scientific” company who performed all of the deflation experiments), the difference between the two gauges used to measure the footballs before the game, during halftime and after the game.

“Exponent‟s experimental results were aligned with the measurements recorded at halftime, which indicated a consistent gauge-to-gauge differential of 0.3-0.45 psi”

So if the Logo Gauge measured the Patriots balls at around 12.5 PSI before the game, they would have all been under the League mandated and apparently holy range which is 12.5-13.5 PSI. Given that all the Colts balls measured at halftime are under their starting point of 13 PSI, its safe to say that the Patriots balls could have also dropped below 12.5 even when measured with the Logo gauge.

You might be wondering, “I wonder if the ref who measured the balls remembers which gauge he used?” Here’s what that ref had to say, “Although Anderson‟s best recollection is that he used the Logo Gauge, he said that it is certainly possible that he used the Non-Logo Gauge”

So let me get this straight. Ted Wells said, “We credit Anderson‟s recollection of the pre-game measurements taken on the day of the AFC Championship Game based on both the level of confidence Anderson expressed in his recollection and the consistency of his recollection with information provided by each of the Patriots and Colts regarding their target inflation levels.” But he doesn’t believe he remembered which gauge he used. Seems like a giant load of horseshit to me but lets go ahead and suspend Brady on hearsay.

Lastly, I’d like to point out that if you’re going to have rules which demand a pressure range of 1 PSI you should probably have better measuring equipment that two gauges that vary by FUCKING FORTY FIVE PERCENT OF YOUR RANGE YOU FUCKING FUCKS.

If Tom Brady is suspended over this Roger Goodell will not have a job come 2016. I can’t even believe I wrote a fucking blog about this. Colts balls measured under 12.5 PSI with at least one measurement. One of the Patriots balls measured ABOVE 13.5 at post-game. This is such bullshit I can’t stand it.

Not one QB, save for Colin Kaepernick (who’s on Team TB12), has come forward condemning Brady or anything regarding the Well’s report. Why? Because every QB doctors their balls how they want. Why do you think all the Colt’s balls were at 13 PSI? Was it so they could stay in the range of the NFL? No. It’s because that’s how Andrew Luck likes his balls. The thought of this archaic rule keeping the best QB in football’s history from playing for any amount of time is vomit-inducing.

A lot of idiots are chirping about the integrity of the game being tarnished etc etc. The integrity of the game is preserved by everyone trying to do their best to win at all costs. Atlanta piping in crowd noise, Minnesota heating their balls even though it is explicitly against league rules (as outlined by the Well’s report), Jerry Rice using Stickum, or even the Dolphins new stadium being totally shaded except for the opposing team’s sideline. Every team blurs the line of cheating or getting a competitive edge. The only person who directly benefited from true cheating is John Elway and his two Super Bowl winning teams which broke the salary cap and actually won things by cheating.

But yeah lets talk about how somewhere between 1 and 2 PSI is going to cost the greatest QB in NFL history his legacy.

If you don’t think the Patriots are in the Super Bowl again next year, you’re out of your gourd.

Breaking Down the New England Patriots 2015 Draft

In bill we trust

Another NFL draft with Bill Belichick is over and like clockwork the pundits are still reeling from all their head scratching. “Patriot Way” and “unorthodox” are being thrown around like rice at a wedding. Unfortunately for us, those words don’t have the same effect on pundits that rice does on pigeons.

With the departure of Revis and Browner, people were screaming, begging and pleading for Belichick to draft some defensive backs. Belichick looked down at them and whispered, “No.” Well, he drafted one cornerback in the 7th round. Anyone trying to tell me Belichick’s plan is to use this 7th round CB as the guy who’s replacing Revis can go walk off a cliff. In case you don’t get it yet, Belichick is not drafting talent specifically. He’s drafting talent in the context of his team. The reason the term “1st Round talent” will get you thrown out of the Belichick War Room is because it is irrelevant to label someone as a talent like that if it is not in the context of who can be replaced or, how the player in question will better the team.

With this in mind, it is clear that Bill Belichick thinks his current CBs will do just fine next year. Like I’ve said and been saying, the Patriots roster is good enough at cornerback. Arrington, Ryan, Dennard and Butler will fill in and combined with Bradley Fletcher and Chimdi Chewka, produce decent results. You’re never going to replace Revis. So why would we try and draft players around a defensive game plan that’s impossible to deploy without the best CB in the game?

The Patriots are almost certainly going to switch to some form of Cover 2 defense, with 2 safeties over top. We don’t have skilled enough CBs to handle single man coverage anymore and Belichick is loathe to give up any big plays ever. With this in mind, Belichick drafted a bunch of versatile lineman to try and generate pressure on the QB without having to blitz. Most notably Malcolm Brown, who looks strikingly like Big Vince. He will contribute to the team immediately and hopefully eat up double teams like Wilfork on a Turkducken. Given that the Patriots only have Hightower, Mayo and Collins, before the depth at LB drops off, having many versatile lineman will allow Belichick to mix up and disguise defensive fronts as he has done in the past with his linebackers in a 3-4 formation. I expect there to be a lot more 4-man fronts from the Patriots this upcoming season.

The pick that shocked everyone was the 2nd round pick of Jordan Richards. Given that his analysis is, “a super-smart and dependable box safety lacking ideal foot speed and athletic ability to match up with NFL receivers, yet smart and tough enough to get by playing angles” we’re lucky Belichick was able to control himself from taking him in the 1st round. First of all, he’s described as highly coachable so he’s only going to get better, thats a guarantee. People can train to be better athletically, but as Chad Ochocinco showed, you can’t fix stupid. Richards will probably fill in along side McCourty quite nicely. He can help stop the run and has great ball skills for when he has to drop back over the top. Given that our other safeties are Duron Harmon and Tavon Wilson, we can’t do worse.

We picked up two offensive lineman to fill in depth on our roster and drafted a long snapper from Navy. Belichick has a history with Navy so no one saw this pick as a surprise. All in all, I think this was a solid draft. Our D-Line will have better skill and versatility and we picked up some O-lineman with promise for the future.

I want to close with all this nonsense about how the Patriots should have drafted a WR. First of all, No. There is absolutely no reason the Patriots need a WR. All these people talking about how he only has Edelman and LaFell, blah blah blah. Have people forgotten that we signed Scott Chandler, AKA the Second Coming of Gronk. Its going to be a long, long year for defenses with those two tearing it up. Both of them can line up on the line and block or line up outside like a WR and take it over the top. The Patriots offense is going to wallop people next year. Mark it.