How to Convict Someone According to the NFL…

goodell role model

Step 1: Accuse someone of doing something. (Evidence not required)

Step 2: When asked about your accusation say, “There was general chatter in (fill in community desired) and we suspected this for awhile due to (insert personal experience).

Step 3: Release a report with the general conclusion being, “Yeah I didn’t find anything but I mean c’mon the guy definitely did it/knew about it/has done it before.

Step 4: Release the hounds.

Did you hear Roger Goodell likes to fuck ice cream sundaes? I know weird right? Apparently he just scoops out some ice cream, flavor doesn’t matter to him so much, puts the bowl in the middle of his bed and goes to pound town on it. Heard he licks everything up when he’s all done too. At least, that’s whats been going around the internet. I saw a picture on reddit, his wife supposedly posted, of him balls deep in a bowl of Breyers. Really ruined ice cream for me for awhile. Did everyone see the report that makes it seem like Goodell at least likes ice cream and probably also fucks it? If that’s not proof that he’s been using his dipstick to make his own blizzards I don’t know what is. “Proud to serve this man” That text could be interpreted a lot of ways. I bet what they meant was “Proud to service this man….sexually…with our ice cream”

Man Goodell’s legacy is gonna be tarnished after this. Not sure they let ice cream fuckers have a job in the NFL.

…..RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

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Breaking Down the Shandys of the Summer

fruit and beer

The shandy is the bastard child of fruit juice and beer. If I’m not mistaken, German cyclists used to mix beer with lemonade as some sort of archaic, pre-gatorade, endurance drink. As summer roles around, you’ll see these cropping up all over the place. I’m here to steer you in the right direction if you’re thinking about purchasing shandys. There’s almost nothing worse than a bad shandy. Its generally like if you added fruit flavoring to a Bud light, aka vomit inducing so be careful when selecting your shandys.

Leinenkugel Summer Shandy is the classic shandy. This is a go to if you like lemonade and beer. They do a nice job of keeping this shandy tasting like beer while giving you that lemonadey goodness that every red blooded American loves.

Note: STAY AWAY FROM THE Leinenkugel Shandy Mixpack. It seemed like a good idea. I thought, “Leinenkugel, they know shandys. I think I’ll check this out. Terrible. Stick to the summer shandy don’t branch out or you’ll be sorry.

Harpoon Big Squeeze the king of the grapefruit shandys. Say what you will about Harpoon, you god forsaken hipsters, but harpoon brews good beer despite it not being a “microbrew”. Real refreshing. Goes down easy and finishes tart. If you like grapefruit, this is the shandy for you.

Sam Adams Porch Rocker is also a lemon shandy and is a bit too lemonade for my tastes. If you like your beer to not taste like beer this is the shandy for you. A lot of lemonade and a little beer. It probably tastes closer to a Mike’s Hard than beer.

Narragansett Shandy is the shandy for the college kid. Cheap. Tall boy cans. Better tasting than any cheap beer out there. This beer should be your go to for a long day of day drinking and lawn games.

There you have it. Shandy’s in a nutshell. I know I didn’t touch on Traveler. They’ve got a number of shandys on the market right now. I didn’t give them any type of review because I obviously haven’t had any Traveler shandys yet. STOP PRESSURING ME! Fine. I’ll drink more beer. If that’s what you really want from me. I hope you’re all happy. I will say this, Traveler makes a mean pumpkin beer that gives Pumpkin head a run for its money so if you want to roll the dice on an unapproved shandy, lacking the Captain Salami seal of approval, Traveler is not a bad bet.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have Big Squeeze that needs drunk.

Debunking the Wells Report Using One Figure

Screen Shot 2015-05-08 at 11.41.34 PM

The picture above shows, as proven by Exponent (the “scientific” company who performed all of the deflation experiments), the difference between the two gauges used to measure the footballs before the game, during halftime and after the game.

“Exponent‟s experimental results were aligned with the measurements recorded at halftime, which indicated a consistent gauge-to-gauge differential of 0.3-0.45 psi”

So if the Logo Gauge measured the Patriots balls at around 12.5 PSI before the game, they would have all been under the League mandated and apparently holy range which is 12.5-13.5 PSI. Given that all the Colts balls measured at halftime are under their starting point of 13 PSI, its safe to say that the Patriots balls could have also dropped below 12.5 even when measured with the Logo gauge.

You might be wondering, “I wonder if the ref who measured the balls remembers which gauge he used?” Here’s what that ref had to say, “Although Anderson‟s best recollection is that he used the Logo Gauge, he said that it is certainly possible that he used the Non-Logo Gauge”

So let me get this straight. Ted Wells said, “We credit Anderson‟s recollection of the pre-game measurements taken on the day of the AFC Championship Game based on both the level of confidence Anderson expressed in his recollection and the consistency of his recollection with information provided by each of the Patriots and Colts regarding their target inflation levels.” But he doesn’t believe he remembered which gauge he used. Seems like a giant load of horseshit to me but lets go ahead and suspend Brady on hearsay.

Lastly, I’d like to point out that if you’re going to have rules which demand a pressure range of 1 PSI you should probably have better measuring equipment that two gauges that vary by FUCKING FORTY FIVE PERCENT OF YOUR RANGE YOU FUCKING FUCKS.

If Tom Brady is suspended over this Roger Goodell will not have a job come 2016. I can’t even believe I wrote a fucking blog about this. Colts balls measured under 12.5 PSI with at least one measurement. One of the Patriots balls measured ABOVE 13.5 at post-game. This is such bullshit I can’t stand it.

Not one QB, save for Colin Kaepernick (who’s on Team TB12), has come forward condemning Brady or anything regarding the Well’s report. Why? Because every QB doctors their balls how they want. Why do you think all the Colt’s balls were at 13 PSI? Was it so they could stay in the range of the NFL? No. It’s because that’s how Andrew Luck likes his balls. The thought of this archaic rule keeping the best QB in football’s history from playing for any amount of time is vomit-inducing.

A lot of idiots are chirping about the integrity of the game being tarnished etc etc. The integrity of the game is preserved by everyone trying to do their best to win at all costs. Atlanta piping in crowd noise, Minnesota heating their balls even though it is explicitly against league rules (as outlined by the Well’s report), Jerry Rice using Stickum, or even the Dolphins new stadium being totally shaded except for the opposing team’s sideline. Every team blurs the line of cheating or getting a competitive edge. The only person who directly benefited from true cheating is John Elway and his two Super Bowl winning teams which broke the salary cap and actually won things by cheating.

But yeah lets talk about how somewhere between 1 and 2 PSI is going to cost the greatest QB in NFL history his legacy.

If you don’t think the Patriots are in the Super Bowl again next year, you’re out of your gourd.
SUPER BOWL L CHAMPIONS HERE WE COME!

Breaking Down the New England Patriots 2015 Draft

In bill we trust

Another NFL draft with Bill Belichick is over and like clockwork the pundits are still reeling from all their head scratching. “Patriot Way” and “unorthodox” are being thrown around like rice at a wedding. Unfortunately for us, those words don’t have the same effect on pundits that rice does on pigeons.

With the departure of Revis and Browner, people were screaming, begging and pleading for Belichick to draft some defensive backs. Belichick looked down at them and whispered, “No.” Well, he drafted one cornerback in the 7th round. Anyone trying to tell me Belichick’s plan is to use this 7th round CB as the guy who’s replacing Revis can go walk off a cliff. In case you don’t get it yet, Belichick is not drafting talent specifically. He’s drafting talent in the context of his team. The reason the term “1st Round talent” will get you thrown out of the Belichick War Room is because it is irrelevant to label someone as a talent like that if it is not in the context of who can be replaced or, how the player in question will better the team.

With this in mind, it is clear that Bill Belichick thinks his current CBs will do just fine next year. Like I’ve said and been saying, the Patriots roster is good enough at cornerback. Arrington, Ryan, Dennard and Butler will fill in and combined with Bradley Fletcher and Chimdi Chewka, produce decent results. You’re never going to replace Revis. So why would we try and draft players around a defensive game plan that’s impossible to deploy without the best CB in the game?

The Patriots are almost certainly going to switch to some form of Cover 2 defense, with 2 safeties over top. We don’t have skilled enough CBs to handle single man coverage anymore and Belichick is loathe to give up any big plays ever. With this in mind, Belichick drafted a bunch of versatile lineman to try and generate pressure on the QB without having to blitz. Most notably Malcolm Brown, who looks strikingly like Big Vince. He will contribute to the team immediately and hopefully eat up double teams like Wilfork on a Turkducken. Given that the Patriots only have Hightower, Mayo and Collins, before the depth at LB drops off, having many versatile lineman will allow Belichick to mix up and disguise defensive fronts as he has done in the past with his linebackers in a 3-4 formation. I expect there to be a lot more 4-man fronts from the Patriots this upcoming season.

The pick that shocked everyone was the 2nd round pick of Jordan Richards. Given that his analysis is, “a super-smart and dependable box safety lacking ideal foot speed and athletic ability to match up with NFL receivers, yet smart and tough enough to get by playing angles” we’re lucky Belichick was able to control himself from taking him in the 1st round. First of all, he’s described as highly coachable so he’s only going to get better, thats a guarantee. People can train to be better athletically, but as Chad Ochocinco showed, you can’t fix stupid. Richards will probably fill in along side McCourty quite nicely. He can help stop the run and has great ball skills for when he has to drop back over the top. Given that our other safeties are Duron Harmon and Tavon Wilson, we can’t do worse.

We picked up two offensive lineman to fill in depth on our roster and drafted a long snapper from Navy. Belichick has a history with Navy so no one saw this pick as a surprise. All in all, I think this was a solid draft. Our D-Line will have better skill and versatility and we picked up some O-lineman with promise for the future.

I want to close with all this nonsense about how the Patriots should have drafted a WR. First of all, No. There is absolutely no reason the Patriots need a WR. All these people talking about how he only has Edelman and LaFell, blah blah blah. Have people forgotten that we signed Scott Chandler, AKA the Second Coming of Gronk. Its going to be a long, long year for defenses with those two tearing it up. Both of them can line up on the line and block or line up outside like a WR and take it over the top. The Patriots offense is going to wallop people next year. Mark it.

Revis Leaves and Suddenly it’s Week 4 All Over Again With People Saying It’s Over for the Pats

dumpster fire revis

http://www.spotrac.com/nfl/new-england-patriots/

With the departure of Darrelle Revis, New England is in upheaval. “Belichick let him walk. Blow the whole team up! Who wants Malcolm Butler?! Without Darrelle Revis the Patriots secondary is trash! Belichick can’t draft for shit!” On and on and on it goes. I’m pretty staunch in my “In Belichick We Trust” philosophy but that doesn’t mean I can’t do some digging to find out why we wouldn’t drop 40 million on Revis beyond the tired, “Belichick and Kraft are stingy bastards.”

1. We have to resign ~40 players between 2015-2017 including favorites like: Chandler Jones, Nate Solder, Dont’a Hightower, Ryan Wendell, Alfonzo Dennard, Legarrette Blount, Josh Kline, Dan Connolly, Sebastian Vollmer, Jamie Collins, Logan Ryan, Rob Ninkovich and the list goes on. For those of you keeping track of home that encompasses 5 of the 5 starting O-lineman half of the defensive line, half of the starting linebacking core and a large portion of the starting defensive backs. So spare me this “WE HAD THE MONEY AND WE DIDN’T PULL THE TRIGGER BECAUSE IDK WHY!?!?!?”

2. Call me what you will, but the money will be better spent elsewhere. Jabaal Sheard, a versatile DE/OLB from the Browns was just signed. Jerod Mayo will be signed. Vince Wilfork may come back. CJ Spiller is available. Scott Chandler is available, who would be filthy alongside Gronk. Its very early in the game but there are a lot of upgrades that can be made in this offseason and now the Pats have a plethora of money to throw at people.

3. Without Revis our secondary will not fall back to the disgusting state it once was. Devin McCourty isn’t the safety we want, he’s the safety we need. Rangy, doesn’t let big plays happen. I think people forget that Devin McCourty and whoever our number 2 CB eliminated every big name receiver we played. Revis shutdown Golden Tate III while McCourty and company handled Megatron. We have a stronger secondary than people give us credit for and while Revis, helped quite a bit the pieces are still in place to have a top five defense again this year.

4. You don’t win Super Bowls throwing $40 million in guaranteed money at people. Could you imagine if Belichick paid out that chunk of change and then Revis goes and tears his ACL? People would riot. There would be blood. The Jets will regret front loading his contract like that I guarantee it.

The Bills are the AFC East’s “Factory of Sadness”

Sad bIlls fan

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000476192/article/eagles-bills-to-swap-lesean-mccoy-for-kiko-alonso

Seriously, the poor, poor Buffalo Bills fans. Those winters coupled with the fact that they are continually “on the cusp” of being some sort of “contender” is enough to make you jump off a roof. I think its almost worse than just being plain shitty like the Raiders or the Browns. The bar is so low there’s very little room for disappointment. Every offseason, the Bills are poised to somehow beat out the Pats for the AFC east title. Every season, they utterly disappoint.

This trade is the dumbest trade I have seen in quite some time. It makes zero sense. Zero. LeSean McCoy is a very similar back to both CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson. Sure, you can argue McCoy is on another level than them. He was the NFL rushing leader (running behind one of the most athletic and skilled O-lines and having D-Jax as a deep threat might have helped, who can say), he’s certainly elusive and has carried a much heavier workload with less injury than Spiller or Jackson. At the end of the day though, defense is going to win you games. Marshawn Lynch was on the Bills. He had multiple 1,000+ rush yard season. The Bills didn’t win dick. He’s winning now because he’s playing behind the best defense in the NFL and you can afford to run the ball 80% of the time when the opposing offense can’t score points.

With Kiko Alonso, the Bills had a chance at being legitimate. A chance. Rex Ryan has always had the Patriots number and he won 4 games with that trash called the New York Jets. The Bills front seven would have been one of, if not the best front seven in the NFL. Kiko Alonso is a monster. I would have been nervous about the Bills. Now, they’re once again laughable. “Better not load the box against LeSean McCoy because that stud EJ Manuel is gonna be chucking it to Robert Woods and Sammy Watkins.” Classic Bills. I promise you Kiko Alonso is going to be a legitimate candidate for comeback player of the year and LeSean McCoy will have a 1000+ rush yard season and the Bills will go 8-8.

Poor Bills fans. Can’t catch a break.

Snow Parking in Boston: Who’s the Asshole?

Respect Parkingasshole parking

This is my second winter living in Boston proper. This is Boston’s snowiest winter on record. It has been, to say the least, not as good as last winter. Due to all the snow, I’ve seen a lot more chairs and placeholders in parking spaces. Now I’m here to settle the score on parking space etiquette.

You may be asking yourself, “Aren’t those two pictures exactly the same?” Why is one person an asshole and why does the other get respect?” The answer is context. There are two ways, that I’ve seen, that a parking space is made. One way is by simply shoveling out your own car to go somewhere. I do this every snowstorm. It sucks every snowstorm. Do I put a chair in my space? No. Because I’m not a little bitch. If you shovel out the spot on the street that your car is currently in because you need to go somewhere, ie work, you have no rights to that spot. 0. None. Bupkiss. You HAD to shovel that spot out to live your life. The streets own that spot now. Take your lawn chair and shove it up your ass.

The second way a parking space is made is by physically shoveling an entire space worth of snow and putting your car where the snow once was. As far as I’m concerned, this kind of spot, is a fable, a myth, an urban legend. People tell stories of those strong willed and determined enough to accomplish this feat but its always a friend of a friend. If you do this, as far as I’m concerned, that spot is yours for all of winter. You earned it. There is a 0% chance, 0, that I ever do that. I have neither the time, energy or mental fortitude to do that. I would rather drive around for hours than plunk my car down and go shovel for probably 1-2 hours just to carve out a shitty little spot for my car.

In summary, if you did not move the amount of snow equal to the volume of a car to make a parking space, do not use a space saver and suck it up. Everyone else drinks on me.

P.S. If you have even a shred of your soul left avoid Beacon St and Comm Ave. between the hours of now until April.