Kid Gets Accepted to All 8 Ivy Leagues. Such a Weenie.


Must be a slow news week because this story is taking the internet by storm. News channels, Facebook, everywhere I see this smug weenie just staring me right in the face. I’m not sure why this is making news. Great. Good job. You got into all the Ivy League schools. Awesome. Can we move on now? Are we done? No one gets into all 8 because no one applies to all 8 because, newsflash, no one gives a shit. Well, let me rephrase, I don’t give a shit. People are acting like getting into all eight means he’s the next Sidney Farber. All this guy did was have a college application that was appealing enough to get accepted to all 8. Great. Kid hasn’t done shit. Get a job  you bum! Not one article I’ve seen has talked about what he did to make his application so great. Did he invent a rapid blood test for pancreatic cancer? Oh no? He just got accepted into colleges? Well then shut up about it. 

The only reason this hasn’t happened before is because people aren’t big enough weenies to actually apply to all 8. Who in their right mind would apply to all 8? They’re vastly different schools. If you think you’re the top dog you probably apply to Harvard, Yale and maybe Cornell or something like that. “By applying to all eight, I figured it would better the chances of getting into one,” he said. Oh yeah. You totally didn’t do it just to say you got in to all 8. It definitely wasn’t some childish bet with friends. No sir. Just wanted to get into one Ivy league. So shocked I got into all of them. Shut up. 

“I’m thinking of being a cardiologist or neurologist,” said Enin, who lives in Shirley. “A doctor is a community leader, a protector, someone who people turn to … when they need help.” Nice fucking sound bite weenie. I guess I should have upped my corn intake in high school. Apparently, corniness is high on Ivy league acceptance criteria. Are puns on their list of acceptance too? Could have killed in the pun department. 

Long story short, lets stop jerking off this kid who’s only accomplishment is being as appealing a college applicant as possible. He’s literally done nothing else.


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