The Five Second Rule Proved to be More Than Myth. Duh.


First things first: Everyone knew before this study that the Five Second Rule was the real deal. You know if you scooped that peanut M&M off the ground fast enough you were safe. Find something in between the couch cushions though and you’ve got to leave it where it lies. Surprising that carpets were the cleanest surface. I feel like I’ve always heard they’re dirtier than the sidewalk because they just hold dirt in their fibers. Color me surprised. 

Getting to my real point though, if you don’t eat food off the ground you’re a chump. Straight up. Just a wasteful first world chump. My general rule of thumb is if I see it fall on the ground then its fair game. I don’t go around my apartment just picking in dirty, hair filled corners looking for scraps. I’m not a gross human being. People always act like because something touched the floor it immediately has poop on it. Ever notice that? Especially when you’re younger. Some Skittles drop on the ground and some Nosy Nancy is like “You’re not going to eat that are you? Thats gross. Peoples’ shoes have been on the ground and they’ve stepped in dog doo so you’re eating dog doo.” Why don’t you shut your mouth Nancy? I’m trying to enjoy my floor Skittles bitch. 

Seriously, I feel like people are always judging me for this shit. Get off your high horse ladies and gentlemen. No one is walking around with dog shit on their shoes. No one. Everyone keeps their shoes clean, alright? If the food isn’t visibly dirty and I saw it fall its probably going in my mouth. While all you hoity-toighty-no-food-off-the-floor people are walking around wasting perfectly good food, I’m getting all the goods.


P.S. I was drunk and running for the bus with a slice of pizza. Not cheese, like buff chix or something to that effect. Lots of toppings. Dropped it on the ground. Topping side down. Worst possible scenario. Scooped that shit right up and hopped on the bus. Started eating it and some kid looks at me and goes, “Did you just drop that on the ground?” I said, “Yup” He goes, “Respect.” True story. 


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