PSA: The Phrase “I Can’t” Needs to End Right Now


For the good of everyone’s sanity, I think I have to talk about this. I’ve pretty much had it with this stupid fucking phrase. I can’t even. Coulda just ended the blog right there and you would have been fine with it. “Guess he really just can’t stand that phrase.” It doesn’t mean ANYTHING. It’s absolutely infuriating. USE YOUR GODDMAN WORDS LIKE AN ADULT. Don’t just leave it up to me to guess how fucking distressed you are.

“I just got kicked in the dick. I can’t even” Like what the fuck is that? Did a toddler kick you? Was it a cute kick like “aww I can’t even because he’s so cute thinking he hurt me”? Or was it an NFL grade kick straight to the dick? Is it hanging on by a thread? Is it “I can’t even think right now because my dick is centimeters of skin away from falling off”? I’m so sick of this phrase I might puke. It’s all over the place like anyone actually enjoys it. No one likes this phrase. Its like saying LOL in real life. NO ONE FUCKING SAYS THAT. STOP IT.

I’m starting the crusade against the phrase I Can’t before it destroys America. 100% of people who use the phrase I can’t also text more than they should. As Fox news informed us, texting leads to doing drugs and smoking pot due to an increased need for immediate gratification. As other anti-drug jihadists will tell you, marijuana is a gateway drug and leads user to doing other hard dugs like LSD, cocaine and heroin. The phrase I Can’t or I Can’t Even is the direct root of the drug problem in America. Signs your kid is using the phrase I Can’t include: drug use, using the phrase I Can’t or I Can’t Even, texting, ignoring you, hanging out with their friends, general obnoxiousness. If your child is experiencing any of these symptoms its time to sit them down and hit them real good in the mouth just for good measure and make sure they’re not going to use the phrase I Can’t anymore.


P.S. All of my statistics are made up but sound really legit. Is this what being a Fox reporter is like? I think I should be on their payroll at this point.


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