Shut up About Duck Dynasty. No One Cares


Once again Facebook is in an uproar over something so profoundly stupid I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet here I am, like an addled senior citizen, back again to address the stupidity that plagues the internet.

In case you live in a shoebox of some sort or have been blessed to not hear anything about Duck Dynasty, this old Southern hick from the backwoods of somewhere is on a show called Duck Dynasty. Its about some Southern Hicks who came out with a very successful line of duck calls and are now millionaires. So in classic American fashion we give them a reality TV show so we can all watch to see what Southern Hicks do with millions of dollars. Hilarity ensues.

The old dude’s name is Phil. Phil was talking to a reporter and said, “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he tells reporter Drew Magary. “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Shocking right? I mean what kind of backwoods, Southern….hick….would say something….like this……oh…..I get it. If anyone watching show, thought for one second these people were ok with gay people you’re out of your god damn gourd. The man who was born in Louisiana in 1946 and as far as I can tell, has never left the state, thinks being gay is wrong. You mean to tell me the man who is so Christian he closes his stores on Sundays, has a problem with gay people? Shocked. I am just absolutely shocked. Came out of left field really.

So obviously, since everyone is in an uproar about how dated and bigoted Phil’s views are, A&E is putting Phil on hiatus because his presence on the show would fuck up A&Es ratings and what not. Everyone would think they’re anti-gay etc. So the Duck Dynasty family comes out with this piss poor excuse for an apology which I linked above. Here’s my favorite part:

“We are disappointed that Phil has been placed on hiatus for expressing his faith, which is his constitutionally protected right”

Now forgive me if I’m wrong but Phil did get to say what he wanted to say. No one said he couldn’t say those things, but you have an employer, who can fire you for just about anything. Saying bigoted things falls under the anything category. Give me a fucking break about this “expressing his faith” bullshit. Bashing gays is not equal to preaching or speaking the word of God.

I know. I’m gonna come up with a religion that says that people who say bad things about gays aren’t going to heaven. That way when I say Phil is what’s wrong with this country, and he’s an inbred, degenerate, no one can get mad at me. Hey its my constitutional right. It’s my religion. It’s called…..Anti-bigotism. Has a nice ring to it.

Basically everyone needs to get over themselves. “Ooooo. Phil doesn’t think gays are going to heaven and that gayness leads to beastiality. Ooooo.” Watch the show or don’t watch the show. Phil is 69 and not going to change his stance no matter happens. So just shut up and stop filling my newsfeed with junk.

As far as the Robertson family goes. Also get over yourselves. “Oooo Phil was just preaching the word of the Lord. That’s his constitutional right” Oh yeah? Show me the verse he was quoting. Oh he went off script? Well I guess that’s not really the same thing as expressing his religion is it? Maybe you should also shut up and stop acting like you’re family is the victims of this whole thing. It wasn’t your right. Your employer can fire you for doing dumb shit. Phil did dumb shit. Now he’s fired. The only way we’ll see Phil again is if he publicly apologizes on the show. Calling it.

P.S. I think they should also let Phil on the show if he kisses a gay man on camera. That’s quality television.


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