New College Grads can’t Get Hired Because They’re Inept Fucks


It’s a great, great time to be a college graduate people. We’ll not for most of you inept fucks, but for me it’s faaaaaaaaantastic. The workforce is apparently saturated with graduates who are bad at being adults. Just coddled by their parents until they’re unable to function in the real world. I’d like to give a big thank you to all the helicopter parents out there. Handicapping your kids so I look incredibly competent is a fantastic idea. 

“nearly 1 in 5 employers worldwide can’t fill positions because they can’t find people with soft skills. Specifically, companies say candidates are lacking in motivation, interpersonal skills, appearance, punctuality and flexibility.”

Do you know how good I am at all of those things? I’ve been stretching before I lift for like a month now and I’m exceptionally flexible at this point, so I’ll have to put that down on my resume. Punctuality, appearance and motivation are really things graduates can’t do? Interpersonal skills I’ll give a pass on because that’s pretty broad and there’s a lot of you engineers out there dragging us all down. The rest is just embarrassing. Apparently, when you go to a job interview you show up late, dressed in rags and don’t show any interest in the job. I think that’s how kids are doing it now a days? Give it the old hipster try I guess right?

“It is hard to correct a lifetime of bad habits in a short period of time.” A shot across the bow of all you shit parents out there. Graduates have only spent 4 years by themselves at college accruing bad habits. All the parents out there should be taking the blame for the “lifetime” of bad habits. Well I when I’m the King of a Fortune 500 company I’ll be sure to not hire your terrible children. 

P.S. I would never accept the title of CEO. Its King or bust. 


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